So I feel like lately I've been reading some open personal deep blogs...and it's not something I usually do. I'm not sure why, but tonight I'm in the mood to write. I guess my mind is just in a thoughtful place.
Today I was chatting with my mother in law about Stephanie Nielson's book, Heaven is Here. (which I really enjoyed) she commented that she loved how Stephanie was so open about just wanting to be married and have kids. And I guess it got me thinking. I am not one of those girls. I don't remember what I wanted to be when I was little, but it wasn't a "mother". I still don't know what I want. I knew I'd finish college. I hoped to get married and I figured I would have kids...but not for a while. It's just part of life. You get married and have kids. To be honest I never thought much past college goal wise.
I was always frustrated when school counselors would want me to pick what I wanted to do. I had no clear path. I am good at just about anything I try. But I have longed to be excel at something. You know. To tell me, "This, this is what you should be doing" I haven't found it yet. Sometimes I feel so lost. I could do anything I wanted, but I don't want to do anything. I thought about getting my Masters degree, but what would I get it in?? I can't answer that, so I won't go until I do.
Right now I'm a mom. I love Carter. I am so excited for this new baby. But being a mom is hard. It stresses me out. I'm doing ok, but it seriously takes everything I have. I am happy in this space. Being home is a great adventure. But it doesn't come easy, and I sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. Or what I like or want.
Right now I have a chunk of money to spend. On whatever I want. For me. It's just sitting in the bank because I can't think of anything. Oh I thought of a swing set for Carter, or using it for house projects, but that isn't for me... I don't really want to go clothes shopping. I thought about giving it to my cousin's family, cuz they are good people going through a rough time, but I wouldn't want her to think it was out of pity. And the stipulation is that it's my money to spend on whatever I want. I can't think of anything I want to buy. Seriously? Is there something wrong with me? It's my birthday this month. I can't think of a single thing to ask for. Life is good. It's not perfect, but I love my husband and he takes care of us. If I need something I can buy it, we have a roof over our heads and food on the shelves.
I hope I don't sound ungrateful, because I am. I never thought I would reach this point in my life...where I didn't want for much of anything. It's incredible and I have no idea why I've been so blessed. Sometimes I feel guilty. My life is just good. And trust me it's not from anything I do. And it's not perfect, and there is so much we could do around this house of ours (hello fixer upper!) and my cooking could definitely improve. Those are just nice things. "Boy wouldn't it be nice if..."
Anyway. I can think of one thing I want. And you can't buy it with money. At least not good ones. And I've forgotten how to make or keep them :(
Anyway. I can't stop crying, so I'm gonna go to bed now...
